30 Sep EVEN IN THIS, YOU ARE GOOD
August 24, 2018
It’s 1am and that sorrow’s sitting smack dab in the middle of my chest, where it makes its home. The wee hours are often the hardest, when sleep won’t come and my mind won’t stop and I can hear my kids breathing next to me but I feel so alone.
I’m curled up in my twin sized bed with my books and prayer journal, my laptop at my feet, my heart pounding. Instagram suggested I follow my husband, and there he was in a smiling photo with his girlfriend.
My husband has a girlfriend.
That’s a statement I never thought I’d make. A fact I never thought could be. It reminds me of the terror I feel for every single person on this planet, that someone you love could become a Stranger.
Or it could be you.
That’s one of the reasons I can share so openly with the world at large. I can’t trust anyone and so I can trust everyone, because there’s no difference to be found. And if I can somehow help someone else in their pain, in their struggle, it’s worth the risk of being vulnerable.
I can trust others because I trust God. I’m learning that’s the key. He’s still got work to do in me to repair my ability to trust, but that’s where He’s leading right now. Choose to trust when and who He tells me to, knowing that when they fail, He will not.
He’s like the trust insurance. 🙂
That makes me smile and reminds me of the blessings of this week with the car, and conquering the insurance and registration process. I’d hoped to find other weirdos at the ministry wives gathering today, who’d be willing to pray over my car with me, but I was hit hard with sickness as I prepared to leave and couldn’t be there. Thankfully Laurie agreed to jump in and lead, and Hannah said she’d be my weirdo.
I had her at weirdo.
That peace that passes understanding is settling over the sorrow once again. And He’s reminding me of the words a woman on Instagram shared with me last night (Instagram again! Blessings and curses, ha). I don’t know her, but she believed God wanted her to share this verse:
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all of my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book.” Psalm 56:8
And that He wanted me to know these things:
‘…God sees you and hears your pain. He loves your soft heart. He has something to teach you, something He needs you to get out of this, but He will not leave you here for much longer. It will get better.’
I have yet to read that without adding more tears to His collection. No matter what I do, things seem to get worse. I got lost in that hopelessness only a few days ago.
It will get better.
Thank You, Lord, for that message of hope. You will protect me from the arrow by day and the terror by night. You are my refuge and my hope. My God, in You I will trust.
Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but Yours will stand.
Your love is beyond all understanding and includes the betrayed and the betrayer, the seeking and the found, the prodigal and his brother, the water walker and the one who sinks- of which we all are and we are all at one point or another.
You are good. Even in this, You are good.
Thank You for revealing who You Are and who I am, and awakening me to a depth of faith I’d never imagined. Thank You for calming my spirit as I typed, and using my messiness to encourage others. I truly am amazed by You.
My diary turned to prayer.
This is a great example of my life right now. I’m knocked down by traumatic circumstances and may have a tough time getting back up again, but God shows up every time, renews my spirit and provides hope, and that inevitably turns to prayer and praise and a me in awe at His presence.
And it is good.